ME

Have you ever seen the My Life Is Average website? People talk about random happenings that go on in their lives; stupid things that happen during the day, you know. We all love to laugh at their mishaps and random events, but we never really stop to think if our lives are any better. I came to the small but very real conclusion that my life is no more interesting or exciting than their's is. My life is definitely, without a doubt.... average.

I would like to say that my days are crazy and different everyday. Instead of venturing in Italy and finding some gorgeous European man to sweep me off my feet, I wake up every day at 10:07 and take a half hour to get ready for a job that, just like every other average American, I hate. Instead of opening butterfly doors in some mysterious looking foreign car, I struggle to get the doors open in my scratched up 2000 Ford Focus hatchback that I'm still trying to make payments on. Instead of asking for days off work to go on vacation or to some cool party that all the cool kids will be at, I ask and get rejected for Sundays to go to church.

I'm your average girl. I have the same routine almost every day. I pray and wish for a story tale boyfriend to come and make me feel like I never have before. Even as I write this I create a little theme song tune in my head and try to act like I'm in a movie. I recreate scenes in movies that I see in hopes that they will turn out the same (i.e. walk out on a porch alone at night and look at the stars thinking about what I may have done wrong only to have prince charming join me and tell me I'm amazing and then share a passionate, life changing kiss) but it never happens.

Movies make me hopeful; if you hadn't noticed. There is always the average girl who get the guy in the end, but what they never show you is that it takes a LIFETIME. It's sad really that I think the way I do. I should love my life and everything that happens in it, but when I watch a movie like I previously explained..... I get hopeful only to be let down.

I've fallen in love with a best friend only to have it not turn out like the movies at all. I've walked out onto a porch only to sit there alone until I get bored enough and go back inside. I give "the look" to any guy who is close enough to my face only to walk away with unkissed lips. I've walked down the halls of a school like I owned the place only to end up back in a class that is so unlike any movie I've ever seen.

Once again, my life really is average. When the fairy tale comes along.... I'll let you know.

FML

I WANT TO FUCKING GO HOME!!

I'm so sick of living here! Why did I stay? Please tell me why, because I don't even know. Belac used to be my best friend. Life was great and when he said we could live with his parents I was thrilled. I couldn't think of anything better. His dad was cool when I met him and his mom was even cooler when I finally met her so I though great, it'll be fun. Now my mind has completely changed. I hate living with the Senots.

Reason #1 : Belac

Belac has been one of my closest friends since being in college. We hung out every day and life was great. We were insanely close and Belac was like a brother to me. Since I started living with him and his family, however, you could say that my friendship with Belac has taken an extreme dive for the worst. I feel like Belac is annoyed with me 24/7. I can never do anything right any more when it comes to him. It seems like everything I say or do is completely annoying to him. I used to care less when it came to people and what they thought of me. I loved that part of my personality. I did what I wanted and was completely confident in myself. Now, that has all changed. Belac makes me feel like crap any time I say anything. If I don't like the things he does, I'm wrong or have stupid reasons for not liking it. If I say anything that he doesn't approve of, I get the death stare from hell or he tells me I'm stupid. I have to guard anything I say now because I don't want the put downs that I fear Belac will throw at me. I'm scared of saying anything wrong. I can't even tell him how I feel because he just gets loud and tells me I'm being a bitch. I don't even feel like we are friends any more. He honestly seems more like a brother now. One that I hate. One that I'm not close to at all. I'm completely jealous when he is around other people because he treats them how he used to treat me.

Reason #2 : Nyll

Nyll is Belac's dad. I met him in April and I thought he was a really cool guy. He took us out to dinner and everything was fine. He was nice, funny and I never thought anything bad of him. Since we moved in with him my idea of him as completely changed. Nyll is what I would call a moronic ass hole. He has the mentality that he is always right. He doesn't like when things don't go his way and he is very impatient and gets mad if he has to wait any amount of time. He gets loud when he wants to be heard and is completely rude. One time when Belac's mom was talking to Belac and I about something Nyll came in the room and told her to shut up for a minute so that he could tell us something. RUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't even believe it and I know I didn't hide my surprise when he did this. The thing is that this isn't just a one time occurrence. He does it every time he wants to say something. It's ridiculous. He also has this annoying voice that makes me cringe whenever he talks, and whenever he talks to the dogs it's an even higher annoying voice that he uses to BABY talk them. You don't know annoying until you've heard this. My dislike for him grows everyday. He is the rudest and most disrespectful man I have ever met.

Reason #3 : Arual

Arual is probably the nicest person I have ever met. She is amazing and probably the best thing about living here with this family. She is always encouraging, and helpful and she has given me a lot since being with them. I have no real problem with her at all other than the fact that I feel like I have to do everything she wants because she has done so much for me. How can I say no when she has given me a place to live and food and my own room? Nnyl is interning at this church where we live. I can respect the fact that Arual and Nnyl want us to get involved and I wouldn't have a problem with it if they didn't want us to be involved in EVERYTHING that the church has going on. Arual doesn't even ask before volunteering us for things, she just tells us that we are going to do them. I feel like I'm just some rag doll that every one is taking turns with. It sucks, quite honestly. I wouldn't mind volunteering MYSELF for things or being asked if I would mind helping out, but we never get a can you... or would you mind.... I just get told when and where to be.

Don't get me wrong. I am grateful that this family has helped me out so much, but I don't know how much more of this I can take. I really don't want to be home but this is draining me and has gotten on my last nerve. I cry all the time because I'm so disappointed that my plans haven't worked out at all. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I just want everything I had planned to be able to work and I want to be happy. I'm not happy right now. I'm almost to the breaking point and completely miserable. I don't know what to do other than lock myself in my room and pray that things get better when I open the door again. I'm really wishing things will change, because I'm on the verge of being done..... with everything.

Dear ..... ,

I miss you. Did you know that if you would have asked me to, I would have stayed? All you had to do was say please, stay with me. That's it. None of this distance mess would have ever happened. We would have eliminated the tears, the lonely nights, the stupid fights and every bad thing in between. So, tell me, why didn't you ask me to stay? Didn't you know that's what I wanted? Didn't you know it was what I longed to hear you say? Didn't you know I wanted to be with you?

I miss you. More than anything. I wish that I could come home and see your face; those eyes. I want to be in your arms right now laughing at nothing and smiling for no reason. I long for your touch and for your lips to touch mine. I want to feel your fingers running through my hair and your breath against my neck.

I miss you. I'm 1200 miles away and a lot of things have changed. I still love you, though. That hasn't changed; it won't change. I can only wait for the day I can see you again. That will be a day I will remember forever.

I miss you.

Dear Love

Dear Love,

Where are you? I’ve looked everywhere, but I can’t seem to find you. Like comes around a lot, but you… don’t. It’s sad really. I want you to be present. I want to feel the emotion that tags along with you. I want the chills, the smiles, everything that you bring. So why aren’t you around? Am I not meant to have you? Am I just one of those people whom you avoid? What is it? Why can’t you just show up, even for a little while.

I met a guy. He’s great. You’d really like him. He said that he loves to see me smile, and I can tell that he tries to make that happen every chance he gets. He doesn’t really have to try hard though. Just his existence makes me smile. The way he throws his head back when he laughs. The way his brow furrows when he’s trying to pay attention to what’s being said. That awkward expression his face gets when he doesn’t know something. I can’t help but grin. Being around him seems to make my life simple and happy. I really hope that you two can meet one day. I’m sure you’ll hit it off right away.

I thought you would have come around a lot faster once I met him. I mean this guy is amazing. I didn’t think it would be this hard to get you to come. It’s just that the friend status seems to have taken its place in our relationship. He says that I’m the best friend a guy could have. I’m even one of the guys. As glad I am that he thinks that much of me, I wish there was room for you to come into the picture. I’m so completely distraught that Friend has taken your spot. It’s frustrating.

So what do I do? Wait for you to get here, Love? I need to know if I should wait or if I’m wasting my time. I really hope that isn’t the case. If there is hope that you will come, I will wait for as long as it takes. He’s worth it; very much so. For now, I will wait. Just please, hurry. I don’t know how much I can take.

Love,

Me

You weren't supposed to mean that much to me and I wasn't supposed to fall in love with you.

This guy.... what can I say? I fell in love with him. I don't know how. We never spent time together; we just texted and maybe called every now and then. Until last Christmas, at least. But how could just texts and random talking make two people fall in love? Was it just a trick? Was it just me wanting someone to say I love you to? I really have no idea. I don't know what started it other than a text one day while I was in class.

Him: How do you know if you are in love?

ME: I guess it's when you can't stop thinking about someone. They come into your mind at random times and you don't know how or why. You want to surround yourself them and nothing else.

Him: Then I'm in love with you.

Was it that simple? All of these things were things he felt for me? How could that be? I wasn't even in the same state as him. Texting can't make people fall in love, right? Apparently texting does have this power. It just shows how powerful words can be. But this isn't really the point. The point is that I "fell in love" too.

I really don't know if I was in love with him. It seems like I just wanted someone to keep telling me they loved me because, honestly, I hadn't ever heard it before. No one had ever told me that they loved me, and this love from a boy just gave me chills and I liked it. Still to this day when we talk and he calls me beautiful I find myself smiling. But, I feel like I shouldn't.

We started dating in September of 2009, after a 3 year infatuation on my part. By Christmas that year we were already broken up because he couldn't handle the distance. It drove him crazy that he couldn't physically show me he loved me. My life long dream of going to an out of state college ruined that.

I had a month long Winter break from school that I spent back home. Like I had promised a lot of that time was spent with him. We went to movies, went bowling and spent a little time with his family. We even went on a night long trip to another state and returned the next morning. No sex was had, by the way. He did sneak a kiss but nothing more than that. I would be going back to school again and didn't want to start up any more feelings for either of us. Anyway, we did spend a lot of time together. The last night I was home ruined all of it though.

His mom invited me over for dinner and games with the family and of course I agreed to show. I love his family. They were always so much fun and I always felt like family when I was with them. When I got to the house, however, He wouldn't even look at me. Not one word was said between us while I was there and I had no idea why. He wouldn't stay in a room I was in long enough for me to find out either. I ended up leaving early and didn't talk to him for at least a month afterward. I was hurt. There was no reason for how He acted and I wasn't going to give in and plead for an explanation. I'm too stubborn for that. We both were.

This wasn't the only time that He had treated me like this. There were plenty of times that I was infuriated with Him for acting like such a child. This is why I feel like I never should've fallen in love with him. I shouldn't have let anything get to any point past just friends. He really shouldn't mean so much to me that I get hurt by Him. I definitely let my guard down when it came to Him and I definitely regret it.

We fight and somehow make up long enough to do it all over again. None of my friends like Him because of the things He has done and I don't know how they would feel about me going back to Him.

This brings up another question. If I did go back to Him, would it be just because no one else came along and I want that love feeling again? If that's the case that won't be fair to either of us. But I care enough about him to think about Him at least once a day, and to text him after a fight and make up. If I end up going home, I'm sure that I will end up running straight back to Him, and if it's for the wrong reasons... I don't want that to happen.

Jobs

Finding a job is basically becoming like finding a needle in a hay stack. It can be so frustrating when you go into a potential work place and go through the whole application process only to be left in the dark for days or even weeks afterward. Some cases, at least for me, you don't even hear a thing EVER!

People say that you should call them so that they know that you want the job. It shows how much of a go getter you can be and apparently that looks good. So tell me why every time I call a place that I have applied at they either sound annoyed and tell me to be patient or they take down my name and number and NEVER CALL BACK!

Do employers not realize that when someone is applying for a job that it's because THEY NEED IT!? No one goes out applying for fun. If people could I'm positive that they would much rather sit at home and get paid to watch TV or travel or anything besides actually working. Employers need to realize that people need jobs and if they say they are hiring... they need to hire people and not wait for them to show that they want the job more than the job wants them.

You'd think that a place that says yes, we are hiring! would be anxious to get someone in there to work for them. You'd think that they would call you to offer an interview. They don't though. They take your application and hide it away in some folder in an office underneath all the "important" paperwork. I'm sure of it. They probably don't even want any one else to work in their precious work place, and only say they are hiring to laugh at the people that don't have jobs. That's just sick.

Of course, I am looking for a job if you hadn't figured it out by now. I need something to do before I go insane. I have no money, hence wanting the job. I have no life because of the lack of money, hence wanting the job. Anything would suffice, but something needs to come up soon...... very soon................

Internet Life

I wake up. What is my first thought? Breakfast? No. Brushing teeth? No. Not even stretching or breathing crosses my mind before I look right at my computer and wonder who has ventured on over to my Facebook profile.

Three new notifications. Score!

Hotmail is my next stop. I delete most and reply to the few emails that mean something, before crossing over to the land of Formspring. After that comes Dailybooth and then I continue on to Stumble the internet for a cool website that will catch my interest.

I get ready and continue on with my day, but not with out checking my phone for new Facebook messages and replying to the many Tweets that come to my phone.

Once I get home, I'm right back on Facebook and checking email just as I had done earlier that day. I continue to Stumble onto new websites, write in my blog and catch up with people on Dailybooth until I look at the clock and think 3 a.m. is late enough. I drift off to sleep, knowing that my day will repeat itself in the morning.

Sadly, this is a day in the life of a friend of mine. He's constantly on the internet or checking his phone/ipod touch for new messages on any of his social networking sites. I don't understand this. After realizing that most of his friendships are with people he has never met and doesn't really plan to meet, and that he is CONSTANTLY on the internet somehow, I have seen the world in a new light. I do know that my friend isn't the only one in the world who's life has been taken over by the internet. I've realized that there are many other lost souls among the sea of websites that are going through the same daily routines. But I just don't get it. How can a person spend their life wrapped up in all this?

I came up with a few could be answers to this question.

#1

Social life is easier in the virtual world.

Although I completely disagree with this, some people really do have trouble talking to people face to face and find it easier to just type how they feel or what they think. Having more personal rather than electronic relationships aren't really a huge deal for them.

#2

They can be whoever they want.

Tons of people wish they could be someone else. Meeting people on the internet could give these people the confidence they need to become who they truly want to be.

#3

They have become so wrapped up in their internet life that they don't realize it is their life.

This lifestyle could be the only one they've known. I mean they've done it long enough. They might know their way around the internet better than they do real life. Internet life is their REAL life.

Who knows the real reasons people take on an internet life. In my opinion too much of a good thing could turn out to be bad, and until people realize....... the internet will continue to be their life.