FML

I WANT TO FUCKING GO HOME!!

I'm so sick of living here! Why did I stay? Please tell me why, because I don't even know. Belac used to be my best friend. Life was great and when he said we could live with his parents I was thrilled. I couldn't think of anything better. His dad was cool when I met him and his mom was even cooler when I finally met her so I though great, it'll be fun. Now my mind has completely changed. I hate living with the Senots.

Reason #1 : Belac

Belac has been one of my closest friends since being in college. We hung out every day and life was great. We were insanely close and Belac was like a brother to me. Since I started living with him and his family, however, you could say that my friendship with Belac has taken an extreme dive for the worst. I feel like Belac is annoyed with me 24/7. I can never do anything right any more when it comes to him. It seems like everything I say or do is completely annoying to him. I used to care less when it came to people and what they thought of me. I loved that part of my personality. I did what I wanted and was completely confident in myself. Now, that has all changed. Belac makes me feel like crap any time I say anything. If I don't like the things he does, I'm wrong or have stupid reasons for not liking it. If I say anything that he doesn't approve of, I get the death stare from hell or he tells me I'm stupid. I have to guard anything I say now because I don't want the put downs that I fear Belac will throw at me. I'm scared of saying anything wrong. I can't even tell him how I feel because he just gets loud and tells me I'm being a bitch. I don't even feel like we are friends any more. He honestly seems more like a brother now. One that I hate. One that I'm not close to at all. I'm completely jealous when he is around other people because he treats them how he used to treat me.

Reason #2 : Nyll

Nyll is Belac's dad. I met him in April and I thought he was a really cool guy. He took us out to dinner and everything was fine. He was nice, funny and I never thought anything bad of him. Since we moved in with him my idea of him as completely changed. Nyll is what I would call a moronic ass hole. He has the mentality that he is always right. He doesn't like when things don't go his way and he is very impatient and gets mad if he has to wait any amount of time. He gets loud when he wants to be heard and is completely rude. One time when Belac's mom was talking to Belac and I about something Nyll came in the room and told her to shut up for a minute so that he could tell us something. RUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't even believe it and I know I didn't hide my surprise when he did this. The thing is that this isn't just a one time occurrence. He does it every time he wants to say something. It's ridiculous. He also has this annoying voice that makes me cringe whenever he talks, and whenever he talks to the dogs it's an even higher annoying voice that he uses to BABY talk them. You don't know annoying until you've heard this. My dislike for him grows everyday. He is the rudest and most disrespectful man I have ever met.

Reason #3 : Arual

Arual is probably the nicest person I have ever met. She is amazing and probably the best thing about living here with this family. She is always encouraging, and helpful and she has given me a lot since being with them. I have no real problem with her at all other than the fact that I feel like I have to do everything she wants because she has done so much for me. How can I say no when she has given me a place to live and food and my own room? Nnyl is interning at this church where we live. I can respect the fact that Arual and Nnyl want us to get involved and I wouldn't have a problem with it if they didn't want us to be involved in EVERYTHING that the church has going on. Arual doesn't even ask before volunteering us for things, she just tells us that we are going to do them. I feel like I'm just some rag doll that every one is taking turns with. It sucks, quite honestly. I wouldn't mind volunteering MYSELF for things or being asked if I would mind helping out, but we never get a can you... or would you mind.... I just get told when and where to be.

Don't get me wrong. I am grateful that this family has helped me out so much, but I don't know how much more of this I can take. I really don't want to be home but this is draining me and has gotten on my last nerve. I cry all the time because I'm so disappointed that my plans haven't worked out at all. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I just want everything I had planned to be able to work and I want to be happy. I'm not happy right now. I'm almost to the breaking point and completely miserable. I don't know what to do other than lock myself in my room and pray that things get better when I open the door again. I'm really wishing things will change, because I'm on the verge of being done..... with everything.